| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2005|11:58 pm] |
is this is? meaning, purpose. Floating. making it by finding your niche where you dont go insane. find a job. people talk at you. eat sleep shit. The same. same. Burrowing, tunnel vision, greed. Wake up and fight.
gogogo |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2005|09:49 pm] |
lately I've tried "not holding back" and acting in a way I felt was completely natural and even opening up towards some friends fo mine. here are some of the reactions I got:
"What's wrong with you?"
"Why are You acting like that?"
You're scaring me."
Hmm... that doesn't bode well, on a different note, I accidentally wore a pink bandana out my back pocket most of this wednesday.
Yeah school is out as of this morning. No Job. No School. Till February.
Yeah, it's been a great fuckin week. Here's lookin forward to next week too :)
take care of yourselves |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|05:39 am] |
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i feel slightly strange at the moment... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|10:36 pm] |
im trying, im trying very hard. I dont think there are many things that piss me off as much as people hwo dont listen, or dont care. people who just wait for thier turn to talk, just waiting to throw in thier ever so important opinion. Also people who are blindly hateful of the government. At least learn what the fuck your talking about or shut the fuck up. thats it.
man, this is way better than just getting pissed and punching something |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2005|10:34 pm] |
Say there was a boy. a very bright, gifted young boy with a talent of forseeing situations, and deciding the "good path" on which to take. What if this same boy however, did not heed his own knowledge? Time and time again he is found upon the "bad path", he could even tell exactly how, what , and why he was in the wrong. No excuse at all.
Despite the knowledge and forsight, choosing the path that leads to failure.
I suppose you might call him a fool.
too bad "good path/bad path" doesn't exist |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|07:33 pm] |
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i got a robo-dwarf hamster. She is about the size of a golf ball. Uhmm.. guess i have to get my life together real soon since college treasfer deadline is just around the corner. yikes, college, lots and lots of college. To follow passion or to secure financial capital. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|09:37 am] |
| [ | music |
| | bum-bum-bum-deedoodee-deedoodee-bum-bum | ] |
shiiiiiiit....
I can do this, put on my big boy pants and KA-BAOW!
things happen
Zap! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2005|01:39 pm] |
today i woke up and went running. the sky was grey, it was beautiful. then a forester called me, it was real cool. talked to me about berkeley, how they really want transfers from cabrillo, and how in demand grads are for jobs. Forests are cool. I like forests.
i like the beach too.
and burritos :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|11:23 pm] |
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so today i climbed the giant redwood in my backyard, it was great, until i tried to get down. I came down a rope and ended up with ropeburn on 5 fingers. it hurt way WAY worse than breaking my hand or anything like that. maybe i should commit some crimes cause i dont think i have any fingerprints right now. on a better note, i kinda asked a girl out. and she kinda said yes. anyways, yeah, have a good one y'all |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|12:06 pm] |
so yeah, i went backpacking for 3 days by myself. it was cool. i liked it a lot. today for the first time in my life i threw away weed. 60 days is the challenge i am setting for myself. here comes sobriety.
see ya on the flip side |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|02:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
I hate this, i'm so fucking sick of this. Every single day feels like i am drowning and struggling to keep my head up. I feel exhausted all the time. Doctors talking to therapists talking to psychiatrists. Just hearing her voice and knowing i might see her, and ive cried 6 hours. 6 hours. the bad thoughts came back. bulimia, anorexia, depression, bi-polar, suicidal, anti-social, self-loathing. Lost, so fucking lost, I have no idea who I am, I do things or hear myself and I don't feel like i recognize this person. Constant unending inner struggle. Arguing with myself, fighting myself, sabotaging myself. FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|10:05 pm] |
Sometimes i wake up wishin i could sleep forever
I spend my whole life tryin to pull myself together
Tryin to re-assure myself that i ain't goin mad
I gotta come to a conclusion its now or never
Sometimes i wake up wishin i could sleep for years
I've been through anger, pain, blood, sweat and tears
You think that any kid in my position i would be glad (you would)
Quite the opposite, more worrys, more fears
Sometimes i wake up wishin i could sleep for days
Its like i'm lost in love and i'm only in it coz it pays
I find myself back on road things are gettin bad
More and more i'm goin back to my old ways
Sometimes i wake up wishin i could sleep for good
And if i had the guts to end it all believe i would
Its gettin borin always being miserable and sad
Shit i would love to be polite really i wish i could
But lifes pressures often get me down
Sometimes i feel theres not a lot to smile about so i frown
And i talk a big whole heap of badness
Because my lifes a big whole heap of madness
I've seen alot, maybe more than i can take (real)
I'm Under pressure everyday tryin not to break (ooohhh)
But i'll survive coz its what i do best (get me)
I'm a challenger put me to the test
Sleep tight everything will be alright
By the end of the night will be the day
Just pray that you see it
Strong, you got to be it if you wanna get through it
Stretch your mind to the limit
you can do it
Sleep tight everything will be alright
By the end of the night will be the day
Just pray that you see it
Strong, you got to be it if you wanna get through it
Stretch your mind to the limit |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2005|12:25 pm] |
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listen to The Mars Volta |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|03:25 pm] |
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trouble sleeping, my right eye has been twitching uncontrollably the past few days |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|07:40 pm] |
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hey, i havent updated in almost a month i think. Not that anything is new but i decided i should just throw down a shout out to anybody who still sees this on thier friends list. Yo. I'm still alive. Word. |
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| Ben is a whiny baby, that cries and whines, like a baby. |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|05:49 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | pounding inside my head | ] |
Do you ever get the feeling like nobody ever lsitens? Of the few that do listen completely don't understand or don't care about a word you say. Meanwhile the vast majority simply seems to be waiting for thier turn (or not waiting) to talk. Finding someone who you can actually have meaningful conversations with, well, thoe people seem few and far between.
Nothing is familiar, I am a stranger in my own skin. I simply do not feel "at home" in my house. In my room it is cold and dark and unfamiliar, though i've slept in the same bed in the same room all my life. I am constantly uncomfortable, confused. Sheer disbelief, unable to recall how exactly this is my life. I am confused, disoriented, and i just want to make a genuine connection with a real human being again. No more of these robots, these vermin, leeches. I have felt at home, happy, focused, oriented, welcome, likei really belonged. But I've lost that, and that will never be mine again. I must find a new one. A new happiness. So much for my happy ending. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|10:13 am] |
broken dreams, broken heart, and a broken hand
this broken life, has made a broken man
i've cried more tears than i knew i had
then i cried some more, and it hurts so bad
life built me up, just to tear me down
made me smile to just make me frown
i lost it all, happiness, hope and love
like a cruel joke, from the man up above
my angels turned to demons, my gold to dust
i bet yoda would say "survive you must"
i feel like i am haunted, i am a lost soul
on this pathway of life, i've paid a heavy toll
there is nothing i can do, to get back all i had
i'm still here, still breathing, and for that
i'm glad
whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger? i think i'll be a superhero when i make it through this. though i feel weak. so very weak. lost. cold. alone. |
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| yeah!! YEAH!!! WOOO!!!!! ALRIGHT!!!!! yippeeecayay muthafucka!!!! jk? |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|11:02 am] |
the only way you are guaranteed to lose, is when you bet more than you are willing to lose.
Never rely on anyone but yourself, you will be dissapointed.
Never give love, after the love has ceased to return, you will be dissapointed.
Never let your problems out of your sight, deal with them, and keep them in thier proper places. Loose woes and fears manifest themselves into entirely new demons, twisting fate and spitting out broken dreams. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2005|08:40 pm] |
i didn't get in to the second year at that school i was at. now i dunno what im going to do. unless im going to school full time i dont get any money from the government. hmm... i think im still going to go to la at the end of summer, maybe a different school.
any suggestions, comments, inspirational words?
hope? |
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